Do you guys believe in nazar/evil eye? Jinx?
Or that you shouldn’t be happy or excited about something until it has actually happened?
If you ask me, I do believe in nazar, so I try to keep things that are close to my heart private. But I have noticed a pattern: whenever I get too excited about something, it just doesn’t happen.
Today was such a day, and I am feeling a wave of heavy emotions. Whenever I have written or posted something, it’s always been when I had experienced raw feelings, be it happy, sad, or just me deeply passionate about a topic that means something to me.
Today after a loooooooong time I am writing something and it’s because of heavy emotions that I am feeling currently.
If I have to put how I am feeling into words, I think no description will fully do it justice, but it’s like this:
You’re standing on a stage, about to receive an award. They call your name. You walk up, they are about to hand you the award, and right then, they realize a mistake was made. It’s not you. It’s a different person and they apologise and call the right person up. You both worked equally hard for it, but today, it’s not your day. So you are standing on the stage, staring down at your feet, letting the shock sink in, slowly walking-back off.
That’s the feeling that I am feeling.
I built all the hopes, expectations for this moment. The moment that I was going to experience, but sadly I won’t be able to experience it anymore today.
But Anoop, what exactly happened? I tell you in detail.
I woke up at 3:30 AM with fully of energy got ready, packed my bag with everything I needed, including the air pump and grabbed my cycle key and helmet on the way out. I was so excited that I even recorded a video on my way down to the parking lot, talking about the ride ahead.
I unlocked my bike and headed to the main gate. The gate was locked so I woke watchman uncle up and requested him to open the main gate (was sorry to wake him up).
He opened the gate, and I started the Strava app, it was going to be my first time using the app, so I wanted the first record to be special. With everything set, I started the journey. I would have rode the cycle for 20 seconds before realising that there was no air in my back tyre. It was 4:15 AM then. I had to be at the meeting point by 4:30 AM.
So, I kept hoping that it’s not a puncture. I pulled out the air pump and tried filling it, the pressure needle budged a bit but the tyre was still flat. I was hoping for some kind of magic but nothing happened. I tried pumping air 5 to 7 times, but nothing changed. While trying to pump air into the tire, I couldn’t stop thinking about yesterday evening. I had taken my cycle for a complete checkup and still I was in this condition.
I went back inside and parked my cycle but I still had a little hope that even if I am late I can catch them that I will ride fast. So, I gave the pump another shot, but still no magic happened (and I came up to my room with low energy and wrote this).
I spent yesterday thinking about what’s gonna happen today. What I will do once it’s done, what kind of emotions I would be feeling. Not just only in my head but I took action so that everything goes well today. Got things checked. Bought the essentials which I will require.
I spent yesterday thinking about today. And now as of today, yesterday is gone. So I didn’t completely live yesterday and today I won’t be able to live what I imagined because it’s not happening anymore.
We are almost never fully in the present. We are either living in the future or stuck in the past. That’s what normal human beings usually do and get trapped in.
And today was such a day where I built everything up in my head. Spoke with my close ones and informed them because it was huge deal for me and of course for safety purpose as well. Though I did put a status saying “Excited about tomorrow. Yayyyyyyy”. This is what I put. 🤦♀️ Aside from that, I kept it completely private.
How can someone be exicted after it’s done. You can only be proud. Happy. Relieved.
But despite all the effort, it slipped through my fingers due to things outside my control.
Or maybe they were in my control? Looking back, even though I did 5 or 6 critical preparations, I keep asking myself if I could have done 2 or 3 extra things maybe this could be prevented from happening.
Yesterday night around 10 PM, I had messaged my friend to wake me up at 3:30 AM in case I don’t message him around that time. My sister gave me a ring and I woke up and I messaged him “woke up” .
I started to get ready and later when everything had gone wrong and I had to come back up to my room. I saw his reply “good morning” and guess what was my reply?
It wasn’t a good morning.
I messaged – You have a good morning, because I am already having a bad morning and probably a bad afternoon, bad evening, and bad night. That’s what I replied to him.
But while writing this post, something click in me and now I don’t want this single moment to ruin the rest of my day.
If I allow it to crush my whole day, I am just behaving like a normal human being- trapping myself in the past, obsessing over what could have or should have been. I tried my best. I was 99.999% prepared and ready. Maybe there was a tiny 0.001% where I could have pushed further, or maybe it was completely out of my hands. Either way, it’s an experience, which I have to learn from rather than let it consume me.
Only if people could live in compartments. Compartments where there was no window, no looking outside into the future or a looking back into the past. How happy and present human beings would be. Just something to ponder over.
Please do let me know what’s your belief system like? Do you believe in nazar or jinxing? How do you balance being excited about a dream without feeling like you are setting yourself up for heartbreak?
I would really love to hear your thoughts.
Have a great day.
P.S because of what happened I am writing something after a long time. Plus, what I had wrote got deleted entirely before posting it. So writing it again.
